It's hard to write negative things about things you love

I started writing the experience of being at the DQ and how it affected things and it was long -way too long and it actually kind of hurt to write - I kept feeling the same kind of panic and anxiety feelings that I had when it happened - that's no -one's fault. I've been pretty honest here in the competitve journal that I've been getting a bunch of social anxiety symptoms while interacting with/playing Magic.

But I'm also doing the costuming for a show ( which just opened yesterday) and school started, and my impossible-pie-in-the-sky scenario looks like it might become pie on my plate.

So I went to GPAC and haven't even managed to do more than two pre-releases since.

And I'm wondering if I'm actually avoiding playing Magic right now because I was so off I'm afraid to play without being sure I know what I'm doing. This is a lot of downtime for me for the game - maybe the longest downtime ever. The skill loss will be brutal plus a new set will be released.

So this is the check in - the competitive reality is that I seem to not be carving out space to play, but I can't tell if that's because I really don't have the space( which really means time) to play, or if I'm doing that stupid self sabatoge thing again.

In any case I will eventually finish writing editing that DQ piece because the show will close this Sunday and then I will simply be working to rewrite everything I ever believed about myself while I chase this other goal.

But in the meantime I'm going to leave this here
http://magicjudge.tumblr.com/post/42567318975/judge-class-introduction-lesson-1a-turn-structure


Because I'm going to try to do this.

And I did finally join Cockatrice - I'm Drinne there. I haven't been able to do more than one game on it with the Booster from Booster Victim .

The big thing is seriously big. And I know that everyone admires my theory in Magic the Gathering and in life in general that "Oh I'm scared of this thing . . . I'd better do it until it stops being scary" but the side effect of that is that I'm scared alot.

I look forward to not feeling that way soon.